I found this scrawled on a napkin in a box in my closet:
Music man preaches from his four-legged pulpit
A sermon of years old, words left untold
Constructed of past reflections
Progression and Imperfections
Messages crafted in the minds of worn hands
Melody's ancient connection to the divine
Time's joy and frustration in a line
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Jar of Fireflies
This is the poetry I find constantly coming into and out of me:
"In Science, the past is constantly conversing with the future."
"Flour your hands."
"Life is a sin wave."
"We are living in a plastic cage, just like that parrot."
"... with an emphasis on haiku."
"When you think of me, think of vests."
"You don't have to be rude for us to notice you."
"I unknowingly misinformed you and I'm sorry."
"I can feel my whole body tense."
"And that's when I picked a flower."
"Is your father dead? - Yes."
"Prisoner of God."
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Finding Truth in Strange Places
Oh, how I've been home, and been in my mind this past month of life.
Doubtless, it has been so strange... so, so strange to not be living in Uganda. I miss it. I miss feeling like I was really growing and learning every day. I miss coming home to a household of 30. I miss not doing homework.
But, as it goes, I am here and living this life.
I'm a control freak. I've found a way to restrict this drive in my life to only being a control freak over myself. Sadly, my life is so string-less, there isn't even one to grab for. Yes, today I have a home, two cats, college classes, a swimming regiment, and books to read. Come May, well, maybe I have a parents' home to move into. Maybe I have many jobs to apply for. Maybe I have a year of substitute teaching and night-time-waitressing waiting for me.
Oh my, it is just so hard to face the music of, "Well, yes you've wanted to be a high school English teacher for six years, and that's what you've dedicated most of your time to learning to become, but there just may not be a job out there for you." Oh, the feeling is something like drowning, I suppose.
I know that I'm up to the challenge, and I know that I've got the strength of seventy mighty oxen in my determination. And I know that I'm decisive, always have been, and always will.
In other news, I've been working on my new inspired desire to be upfront and honest with my feelings - be they good or bad for others. I've found that many people aren't quite used to people being so blatant. They prefer for people to trivialize their own emotions to keep the fragile balance of everyone feeling "okay" and not feeling "bad." Well, I've never grown too much out of thinking that everyone agreed with me and that I could do as I pleased and they'd just suck it up and accept it. Though I found that I respect this in others from interacting with my boss in Uganda, apparently it may not be the same for others.
All I can say is that I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling, but I don't want to hurt you. I just want to be as close to the truth with you as with me. And I want your truth, too.
Let us all find the truth, whether it stings, hurts, overjoys, or just passes by without a care. Let us share it and fill it with our voices. And let us respect it. Let us find it more important than an unwarranted smile.
With a lot of thought in the head,
Karen
Doubtless, it has been so strange... so, so strange to not be living in Uganda. I miss it. I miss feeling like I was really growing and learning every day. I miss coming home to a household of 30. I miss not doing homework.
But, as it goes, I am here and living this life.
I'm a control freak. I've found a way to restrict this drive in my life to only being a control freak over myself. Sadly, my life is so string-less, there isn't even one to grab for. Yes, today I have a home, two cats, college classes, a swimming regiment, and books to read. Come May, well, maybe I have a parents' home to move into. Maybe I have many jobs to apply for. Maybe I have a year of substitute teaching and night-time-waitressing waiting for me.
Oh my, it is just so hard to face the music of, "Well, yes you've wanted to be a high school English teacher for six years, and that's what you've dedicated most of your time to learning to become, but there just may not be a job out there for you." Oh, the feeling is something like drowning, I suppose.
I know that I'm up to the challenge, and I know that I've got the strength of seventy mighty oxen in my determination. And I know that I'm decisive, always have been, and always will.
In other news, I've been working on my new inspired desire to be upfront and honest with my feelings - be they good or bad for others. I've found that many people aren't quite used to people being so blatant. They prefer for people to trivialize their own emotions to keep the fragile balance of everyone feeling "okay" and not feeling "bad." Well, I've never grown too much out of thinking that everyone agreed with me and that I could do as I pleased and they'd just suck it up and accept it. Though I found that I respect this in others from interacting with my boss in Uganda, apparently it may not be the same for others.
All I can say is that I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling, but I don't want to hurt you. I just want to be as close to the truth with you as with me. And I want your truth, too.
Let us all find the truth, whether it stings, hurts, overjoys, or just passes by without a care. Let us share it and fill it with our voices. And let us respect it. Let us find it more important than an unwarranted smile.
With a lot of thought in the head,
Karen
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Meeting of Two Eternities
As I reclined on my twin-sized foam mattress, wooden slats now making themselves known due to the presence of my body's weight for the past two months, I began to recount the grand moments that have been my joy to experience over these past few months and to contemplate the coming weeks. In many ways, it was a moment that was infused with the essence Thoreau describes in the chapter "Economy" in Walden:
I was in that present moment, there on "my" bed, listening to the music coming from my friend Catherine's room and the chatter of women in the other room. The light pouring in... yet I was recognizing the recent past that had brought me to that moment and the coming future that would take me away from it.
My thoughts were simply streaming in and out of my consciousness; I was enjoying the simple act of thinking about me... exercising my intrapersonal intelligence as Gardener would call it.
The thoughts ran much like this:
My first days in Uganda:
This may just count as time-travel, my friends. At least, it does for me.
Thinky, thinky, thinky,
Karen
In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line.
I was in that present moment, there on "my" bed, listening to the music coming from my friend Catherine's room and the chatter of women in the other room. The light pouring in... yet I was recognizing the recent past that had brought me to that moment and the coming future that would take me away from it.
My thoughts were simply streaming in and out of my consciousness; I was enjoying the simple act of thinking about me... exercising my intrapersonal intelligence as Gardener would call it.
The thoughts ran much like this:
My first days in Uganda:
- Sleeping in a hostel
- Seeing a school in Kampala
- Going to Bavubuka
- Learning of my co-workers
- Orienting
- Eating Acholi food
- Feeling Alone
- Getting used to being a "munu"
- Solo lunches and strolls
- Holding hands with Raysa when I first met her
- Intellectual conversations over pizza with Rebecca and Sarah
- Dancing a great deal
- Making copies at the copier
- Shopping for food for the camps
- Keeping track of attendance
- Blowing off steam about co-workers
- Bringing in cookies
- The summation packet
- Active strategies packet
- Leading roundtable discussions at four schools
- Being a part of roundtable discussions
- Filming for the mission video for IC
- Making schedules
- Registering individuals for the conference
- The kindness of Catherine and Danielle
- Understanding Acholiland better each day
- Marveling at the infinite bend of the sky on a sunny day
- Boda ride through a eucalyptus forest
- Dinner with Senith, an Acholi friend of Catherine's
- Inspiring conversations with Catherine
- Dancing with Raysa
- Flavia helping me in the market
- My seamstress's beauty and lovely attitude (and amazing clothing)
- Getting sprayed with mud by a car
- The most majestic safari
- The most relaxing rhino sanctuary
- Rebecca singing songs and playing the guitar
- Pablo being carried like a baby on Joe's back
- "Quiz Night"
- Our first dance as the Teacher Exchange
- Always prepared, incredibly bad for you food
- The incredible friendship of Jennifer
- Meeting Jolly at her house, and an unforgettable bonfire and story-time
- Watching the Acholi version of musical chairs (sans chairs)
- Finding American Food
- Getting beans, rice, and coffee for the equivalent of $1.50
- Being asked for my hand in marriage at least once per week
- The police showing up and unloading six guns on our front porch
- Playing many games with my roommates
- Dancing with Kevin and friends at Mother Theressa's Boarding School / Children's Home
- A small girl putting my glasses on upside down at St. Jude's
- Having no idea what to do with 15 babies at St. Jude's
- The sound of drumming in the distance
- The Acholi yell
- The infinite stars
- The rains, the rains, the rains
- Much love for my parents!!!!!!!
- A hot shower
- Healthy foods that are not just raw vegetables
- Retelling the tale too many times I'm sure
- A few days in NYC with my Uncle and Auntie
- Seeing Joshua in Chicago!
- Slam poetry in Chicago!
- Home with the cats and unpacking
- Chilling with Crystal
- Seeing Spoofy and Paige
- Hopefully going backpacking for two days with Nick
- Maybe a bit of a shindig
- Going with Joshua to Tennessee
- Beginning a new semester
- New outlooks in my education from my summer experience
- Having my field study in a middle school
This may just count as time-travel, my friends. At least, it does for me.
Thinky, thinky, thinky,
Karen
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Being Other
“Munu!”
“Munu! Munu! Munu!”
“Munu, bye! Munu, bye!”
“Munu, you give me that.”
“Munu, you give me 1,000 shillings.”
It began sweet and endearing enough. The first weeks, I did not mind being identified as munu. It was simply the way the population around here got my attention. They were not afraid to speak to me, address me, and joke with me. Yet, the word munu always was spoken in these casual interactions.
Currently, in my last week in Gulu, I am still made joyful when small children yell out “Munu!” in excitement and come to shake my hand. They throw any English greeting at me that they can think of in a hurry, and it’s adorable. Though, the children I pass between home and work (a whopping 500 meters), tend to yell joyously, “Munu, bye!” Though I know what they are trying to say, I cannot help but realize that yes, most white people never seem to stay for long… so might as well say goodbye before even saying hello.
As these past few months pushed onward, I found myself beginning to have one prime desire:
I am constantly reminded that I am not Acholi, that I am not part of this community, that I am different and always will be. Everyone who passes me on the street or greets me first sees the color of my skin. In there eyes, I often do not feel like the dynamic, multi-layered human being that I am. I feel that they make assumptions about me from the minute the see my skin color parading across the road. I feel that they see a large dollar sign sometimes, sometimes they see someone who is there to help in any way, sometimes I feel they see just an interesting attraction to stare at for a few moments as they pass the time. There eyes are always on me (and this is true; it really is not impolite in any way to stare here). I slip in the mud and an entire block of people bursts out in laughter.
I have tried to connect this feeling to the minorities in my community. I have wondered if I, indeed, have at times seen the color of someone’s skin before the vibrancy of their heart. Though I will never know what it feels like to be a minority in the place where I live, I do have a better idea of what it feel like to be other now. I must admit that being here, it is blaringly obvious that I do not come from anywhere near here; in the United States, I feel that many of us have realized that though someone’s skin color is different, they are just as likely to have been born where you are standing as you are.
Overall, I would not say this feeling of otherness has greatly affected my attitude and time here. Yet, it has been inescapable, and I do long for the time in the United States when I do not constantly feel like the odd-one-out.
Looking forward to being with all you munus,
Karen
“Munu! Munu! Munu!”
“Munu, bye! Munu, bye!”
“Munu, you give me that.”
“Munu, you give me 1,000 shillings.”
It began sweet and endearing enough. The first weeks, I did not mind being identified as munu. It was simply the way the population around here got my attention. They were not afraid to speak to me, address me, and joke with me. Yet, the word munu always was spoken in these casual interactions.
Currently, in my last week in Gulu, I am still made joyful when small children yell out “Munu!” in excitement and come to shake my hand. They throw any English greeting at me that they can think of in a hurry, and it’s adorable. Though, the children I pass between home and work (a whopping 500 meters), tend to yell joyously, “Munu, bye!” Though I know what they are trying to say, I cannot help but realize that yes, most white people never seem to stay for long… so might as well say goodbye before even saying hello.
As these past few months pushed onward, I found myself beginning to have one prime desire:
Please, just let me be a human being.
I am constantly reminded that I am not Acholi, that I am not part of this community, that I am different and always will be. Everyone who passes me on the street or greets me first sees the color of my skin. In there eyes, I often do not feel like the dynamic, multi-layered human being that I am. I feel that they make assumptions about me from the minute the see my skin color parading across the road. I feel that they see a large dollar sign sometimes, sometimes they see someone who is there to help in any way, sometimes I feel they see just an interesting attraction to stare at for a few moments as they pass the time. There eyes are always on me (and this is true; it really is not impolite in any way to stare here). I slip in the mud and an entire block of people bursts out in laughter.
I have tried to connect this feeling to the minorities in my community. I have wondered if I, indeed, have at times seen the color of someone’s skin before the vibrancy of their heart. Though I will never know what it feels like to be a minority in the place where I live, I do have a better idea of what it feel like to be other now. I must admit that being here, it is blaringly obvious that I do not come from anywhere near here; in the United States, I feel that many of us have realized that though someone’s skin color is different, they are just as likely to have been born where you are standing as you are.
Overall, I would not say this feeling of otherness has greatly affected my attitude and time here. Yet, it has been inescapable, and I do long for the time in the United States when I do not constantly feel like the odd-one-out.
Looking forward to being with all you munus,
Karen
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Looking Forward
While here in Gulu, I have thought a lot about what I would like to do when I return.
Here is a list of things that I wish to incorporate into my life over the next year or so:
1. Quit Smoking
2. Eat more raw vegetables and fruits
3. Make time to prepare meals
4. Get a gym membership
5. Make "frownies" and "controversial word cookies"
6. Go backpacking
7. Learn to sew
8. See more sunrises
9. Have awesome themed parties
10. Spend more productive and fun time with my family
10 things. It doesn't seem to formidable when it's just a list of ten. However, I'm sure that's what Moses said when he looked at the 10 commandments.
Eh, we'll see how it all goes. Right now, I've got the willpower of a mountain goat.
Love, love, love to grow and learn,
Karen
Here is a list of things that I wish to incorporate into my life over the next year or so:
1. Quit Smoking
2. Eat more raw vegetables and fruits
3. Make time to prepare meals
4. Get a gym membership
5. Make "frownies" and "controversial word cookies"
6. Go backpacking
7. Learn to sew
8. See more sunrises
9. Have awesome themed parties
10. Spend more productive and fun time with my family
10 things. It doesn't seem to formidable when it's just a list of ten. However, I'm sure that's what Moses said when he looked at the 10 commandments.
Eh, we'll see how it all goes. Right now, I've got the willpower of a mountain goat.
Love, love, love to grow and learn,
Karen
I Felt Like a Princess...
Yesterday, one of the sweetest things every done for me happened.
Catherine had declared yesterday (a Friday) a day off for the Teacher Exchange staff (being herself, Danielle, and me). I was jovial.
I slept in until 8:30 and then trucked my little tookus to the toilet. Groggily, I wandered down the hall to check out the breakfast situation. Jennifer popped out of the kitchen and sang "Good morning, Karen!" and I replied "Good morning, Jennifer! How is your morning?" and she sang back "It is fine. How is yours?" and I sang back "It is marvelous now that I have seen you!" and we hugged and then she handed me a strange piece of paper that simply said "Clue #4" on it.
Hmmm... well, another teacher named Jen walked over and said, "Jennifer! You're not supposed to give that to her until she shows you she has clue number three!" I looked at Jennifer (the teacher) and I said I thought maybe I should get dressed. She thought it was a smart idea.
I excitedly shuffled back to my room and... behold! There was a piece of paper directing me to go and see my smiling face in the mirror in the back room of our home! It was written in cut out words from magazines.
I found the first clue upon that mirror. It said to find the next in the quietest place "in" the house. Inside was written "Don't worry, ____ happy."
The next clue, found out on the front porch, stated that I would find the following clue in the rodent's last residence (a large rat died in one of our rooms... and it was vacated). Inside it said, "___ my goodness!"
Clue number three instructed me to find the best mandazi maker in the house and give her a hug (explaining Jennifer's previous confusion). Inside was an "M&Ms" wrapper with one "M" missing. Clue number four, now gladly given to me by Jennifer, told me to put the missing letters together and meet my secret sisters there at 11! Inside, it said "If interns got a grade, you would get an _____+!" The letters spelled "Boma" which is a spa of sorts here in Gulu.
I spent the next few hours in complete elation. I could not believe that my dearest darling co-workers, roommates, and new friends had done something so special for me. And I still had no idea what awaited me at Boma!
When I arrived at 11, Catherine greeted me with Danielle following close behind. They purchased me a cup of African coffee (that is, coffee brewed with milk) and told me that whenever I was prepared, I would have a hot shower and... A MASSAGE awaiting me and then a lovely lunch with them. I nearly cried tears of joy. Honestly, their care and appreciation means the world to me. They wanted to show how much they appreciated my work ethic, my selfless spirit, and my willingness. They have enjoyed having me here at the IC office and showed it through this. Oh, it just warmed my heart so, and I still can't keep from smiling every time I think of how wonderful these ladies are!
All in all, I want to continue the spirit of the ladies and work to do more special things for the lovely people that mean so much to me in my life. I can't wait to get the opportunity in just a few days from now. Oh, the wonderful things I will do!
With a heart filled with love,
Karen
Catherine had declared yesterday (a Friday) a day off for the Teacher Exchange staff (being herself, Danielle, and me). I was jovial.
I slept in until 8:30 and then trucked my little tookus to the toilet. Groggily, I wandered down the hall to check out the breakfast situation. Jennifer popped out of the kitchen and sang "Good morning, Karen!" and I replied "Good morning, Jennifer! How is your morning?" and she sang back "It is fine. How is yours?" and I sang back "It is marvelous now that I have seen you!" and we hugged and then she handed me a strange piece of paper that simply said "Clue #4" on it.
Hmmm... well, another teacher named Jen walked over and said, "Jennifer! You're not supposed to give that to her until she shows you she has clue number three!" I looked at Jennifer (the teacher) and I said I thought maybe I should get dressed. She thought it was a smart idea.
I excitedly shuffled back to my room and... behold! There was a piece of paper directing me to go and see my smiling face in the mirror in the back room of our home! It was written in cut out words from magazines.
I found the first clue upon that mirror. It said to find the next in the quietest place "in" the house. Inside was written "Don't worry, ____ happy."
The next clue, found out on the front porch, stated that I would find the following clue in the rodent's last residence (a large rat died in one of our rooms... and it was vacated). Inside it said, "___ my goodness!"
Clue number three instructed me to find the best mandazi maker in the house and give her a hug (explaining Jennifer's previous confusion). Inside was an "M&Ms" wrapper with one "M" missing. Clue number four, now gladly given to me by Jennifer, told me to put the missing letters together and meet my secret sisters there at 11! Inside, it said "If interns got a grade, you would get an _____+!" The letters spelled "Boma" which is a spa of sorts here in Gulu.
I spent the next few hours in complete elation. I could not believe that my dearest darling co-workers, roommates, and new friends had done something so special for me. And I still had no idea what awaited me at Boma!
When I arrived at 11, Catherine greeted me with Danielle following close behind. They purchased me a cup of African coffee (that is, coffee brewed with milk) and told me that whenever I was prepared, I would have a hot shower and... A MASSAGE awaiting me and then a lovely lunch with them. I nearly cried tears of joy. Honestly, their care and appreciation means the world to me. They wanted to show how much they appreciated my work ethic, my selfless spirit, and my willingness. They have enjoyed having me here at the IC office and showed it through this. Oh, it just warmed my heart so, and I still can't keep from smiling every time I think of how wonderful these ladies are!
All in all, I want to continue the spirit of the ladies and work to do more special things for the lovely people that mean so much to me in my life. I can't wait to get the opportunity in just a few days from now. Oh, the wonderful things I will do!
With a heart filled with love,
Karen
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