Oh, how I've been home, and been in my mind this past month of life.
Doubtless, it has been so strange... so, so strange to not be living in Uganda. I miss it. I miss feeling like I was really growing and learning every day. I miss coming home to a household of 30. I miss not doing homework.
But, as it goes, I am here and living this life.
I'm a control freak. I've found a way to restrict this drive in my life to only being a control freak over myself. Sadly, my life is so string-less, there isn't even one to grab for. Yes, today I have a home, two cats, college classes, a swimming regiment, and books to read. Come May, well, maybe I have a parents' home to move into. Maybe I have many jobs to apply for. Maybe I have a year of substitute teaching and night-time-waitressing waiting for me.
Oh my, it is just so hard to face the music of, "Well, yes you've wanted to be a high school English teacher for six years, and that's what you've dedicated most of your time to learning to become, but there just may not be a job out there for you." Oh, the feeling is something like drowning, I suppose.
I know that I'm up to the challenge, and I know that I've got the strength of seventy mighty oxen in my determination. And I know that I'm decisive, always have been, and always will.
In other news, I've been working on my new inspired desire to be upfront and honest with my feelings - be they good or bad for others. I've found that many people aren't quite used to people being so blatant. They prefer for people to trivialize their own emotions to keep the fragile balance of everyone feeling "okay" and not feeling "bad." Well, I've never grown too much out of thinking that everyone agreed with me and that I could do as I pleased and they'd just suck it up and accept it. Though I found that I respect this in others from interacting with my boss in Uganda, apparently it may not be the same for others.
All I can say is that I want to tell you exactly what I'm feeling, but I don't want to hurt you. I just want to be as close to the truth with you as with me. And I want your truth, too.
Let us all find the truth, whether it stings, hurts, overjoys, or just passes by without a care. Let us share it and fill it with our voices. And let us respect it. Let us find it more important than an unwarranted smile.
With a lot of thought in the head,
Karen
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